How early in the day is too early to try calling friends? What times are off limits?

A major takeaway here is that we should all give up on taking responsibility for things we can’t control. We could maybe even get more comfortable with admitting we don’t know things.

A worry of mine is that if i’ve wronged a loved one they might not tell me, instead trying to get over it on their own. The actual fear is that they might carry some hurt or lingering anger toward me without giving me a chance to apologize or try to assuage their injury. i want that chance, and i like to give my friends that opportunity also. i don’t think everyone appreciates this.

Which leads me to wondering why we only “define the relationship” when it’s romantic. Even then, we leave out a lot. We each look at relationships differently. People assume their expectations and understanding are shared because they’ve used the word “friend” or “partner”. i would like to move forward from this point writing definitions of these relationships as i go along. Every human is different and so too is each relationship. i think an appreciative and focused conversation between people who care about each other would work wonders to prevent confusions and unnecessary injury.

i knew i would have to change a lot of things when i chose to pursue my most honest self. Instead of going full throttle, i tried to modify, rearrange, keep. i gave up finally, on a lot. i grieved all of it. What i hadn’t prepared for was the continuation of goodbyes.

It’s strange to feel as though you are loved only for being familiar, rather than valued as a creature who might grow and evolve.

i must be guilty of this also, but it’s difficult to find the right perspective when one is looking at oneself.

Someone on whom i’d given up long ago came back around having changed dramatically. The work they’ve done is impressive and beautiful, inspirational actually. It wasn’t that they were so horrible, just that things hadn’t worked back then. Now we are friends and i am quite glad of it.

Extroversion is a curse. What good is being charismatic when there’s no one around to impress? i am wilting, in a way. Still beautiful, but drooped. A bloom under appreciated.

Today i will write rituals for the Flower Moon, who arrives tonight. Prayers for the courage to blossom again, to see this isolation through. i will also work on designing curricula for online courses. My excitement about these things comes from deep. i want to honor and elevate those feels in this time of dopamine dry-out. Thank fuck for creative projects. Thanks Universe for being so vast—making me insignificant and important au même temps.

A bit wilted, still so bright.