If this subject makes you feel anything but amused, please skip it. This is your trigger warning, as apologizing for discussing human bodily functions is not at all my bag.

I’m on a turn-out/pull-off between the river that runs the Nantahala Gorge and the road that carries, from what I can tell, mostly kayakers and rafters to their destinations. I just made myself chuckle with a fart.

I think the most important thing about pooping is privacy. That’s why it’s hard to discuss. We all have no issue holding dog shit in our hands with only a thin plastic barrier while it is still warm. Don’t even get me started on how ready caretakers are to discuss the poops of anyone under five years old. Include me in this, as I have enjoyed comparing my niblings’ turds to all sorts of different unrelated things. My favorite has to have been my brother’s son, Camilo’s cameatball, with a singular, prune-shaped turd from Rose as runner-up. In summation, privacy is subjective.

Let’s talk about pooping in the woods. You find your spot, dig your “cat”-hole, settle into your squat. The fresh air kisses your bum and carries away any malodorous leavings. When you stand, the earth covers your pile of waste as naturally as if it was never there at all. What is not to love?!

Okay maybe you have some tummy or bowel issues and this doesn’t seem possible. Or you’re bad at squatting. Maybe you hate digging holes? That’s my least favorite bit, partly because I’m often struggling in the dirt while my dookies are knockin’ on the back door. But like, what if you had a toilet in the wilderness: would you shit there?

There are folks I know with shitters in their backyards that are fully designed for enjoying the view. Some have half doors, some have no doors. This is even less privacy that I usually enjoy when I dig a hole. Have you ever notice how squatting hides your bits? But in these outhouses you get to sit down, which is certainly nice. I would like to take a poll about whether this is more preferable or if people need a bathroom to feel safe enough to number two.

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I return to this post having lived indoors, with running water and a seated toilet, for a few months now. It made me miss pooping al fresco, but if I’m honest I was already feeling that absence frequently. If you have the capacity, I implore you to poop out of doors, at least once! And as much as possible.