in pre-dawn slumber a whiny chortle is unconsciously overheard, to which the brain responds, “piñon or scrub jay?” drowsily unvoiced, as sleep returns to duty

they told me all the art they love; I didn’t make the list. a smile just for me was tucked between each little kiss. I don’t plan on being quiet just cuz his dad’s around. she said “he’s a riot” and her eye roll was profound. if staying still gets tedious you might pack the car again. forget those lovers baby, what you need is a friend.

you realize it’s a locked door that you might fear the most. they sing of a jolly good fellow but we’re disinclined to toast. the way fairy tales were horror so too some memories. you were born for bravery but learned well fawn and freeze. you’re still self-medicating and you know it ain’t a fix. you dream of all the times you should’ve kicked them in the dicks. we’re not wary of their actual strength, but who’s gonna believe. if I learn to wield a weapon can I save myself this grief?

Just there next to me on the neighbor’s fence, a thrush, hunting and alighting again.

Across a field and near the river, a family of elk.

There were three different great blue heron, all at very near distances in varied states of motion. Wide wings keeping the bird alight near the horizon or flapping a bit to help a hop downriver, the last was still, blending in, hunting in the water.

Cows and calves. Sheep and lambs. The neighbor puppy next to the school likes to get belly rubs and give kisses through the fence.

A golden eagle. So broad and bold soaring very near the earth for its size, but easily, gracefully. You’d imagine it’s wings would touch the ground on their downswing but the bird knows better. In this way we were granted a view of the eagle’s glorious, broad, golden brown back, wingtip to wingtip.

I haven’t seen fields this broad and green in months. If you want the music turned down you’ll be asking more than once. Did you see the golden eagle at eye level, broad and wide? There ain’t freedom to speak of if we spend our lives inside.

She’s got ice in her name, on her neck, in her veins. Her solid state comes naturally; mine needs to be trained. His story is an old one and his tricks aren’t hard to fathom. They turn up the music to keep rage at low volume. All my friends are birds, all they tell is truth. Can’t teach these kids nothin if you’re bothered they’re uncouth. When I trust another man, it’s the hope that’s killing me. When I make alternate plans it’s just so I can breathe.

The shine always fades, no matter it’s lustre. The days are your own to do what you can muster. If you’re wanting for purpose it’s not gonna come find you. Where you’re trynna go forward don’t look twice behind you. She says forget the big picture, let yourself focus in. Thank fuck I can hear her over the din.

The age of making bad decisions on purpose was a fun, terrible time that has long since ended. In our twenties my friend Arden found 氣功. He studied with masters and was beautiful with bright energy. He invited me to join the practice, which both then and now I wholeheartedly agree is mood-altering in the greatest of ways. “Arden,” the person I used to be leveled with him, “now is my time to fuck up. I have to save the serious stuff for later.” A claustrophobic childhood will make one wild with fury to gobble the world. Liberation from a stifling life had come finally in the form of my undergraduate degree, accomplished just before I met Arden. How I relished my first freedom! How I reveled in hedonistic, hell-bent, indulgence. Then, how natural it was to be eventually sated, so that in recent years I am more circumspect, quiet, careful. I practice 氣功 now. Every day, if I can manage it, which is like thrice a week at best. I have been enjoying growing up.

wetsuits barely keep our bodies from illness while our whinging bonds us. they holler native yawps as the boat swoops with the current. thrice this week I’ve spilled salt. thrice I’ve wondered over which shoulder to throw it. to rout the remains of injury from what you called love. the deer remain in place as I, too an animal, pass quietly by; there are new green shoots too tasty to take leave of. nearby: the canyons have got hot, and we snowshoe in the forests. constantly changing: clothes, wind, sun, moods among them all. though they are never separate from we. I shall define love now, by illustration. banishment. practice.

In which on a rushing snowmelt river I learn how to captain a raft. In a wetsuit, rediscovering the pain of a cold that doesn’t release its grip on your feet for hours. The beauty of a fresh river under a blue sky and only your team out there. Sometimes geese are floating by too, and mergansers, all buoyantly tossed in the whims of a flooded path. We gawk at fancy riverside houses that seem precariously close to the torrent we ride. With the river so high, the rapids are weakened, but we whoop and shout anyway. Except when I have to guide the boat, which is a thing I do now.

I groomed friendly horses, including a curly big guy and a miniature cutie, both of whose names I’ve forgotten in these busy weeks. Will report back.

After some on-the-spot coaching while watching the students ride, I dropped into a BMX course on a mountain bike. I rode the whole thing cautiously without stopping or dying or anything. I can’t wait to go again. And faster.

I had to manipulate some documents. It worked. I then studied real hard for my written and practical tests. Y’all, I am so chuffed: I can drive the short bus now.

Relearning teamwork, leaning into leadership, eating bagged lunches. Identifying plants and animals with clever, sassy, sometimes fully walled-up, always fussy teenagers. All of this among incredible adults, most of whom are genuinely interesting (to me). Enduring difficulties among these people, with them—physical pain, fear, conflict, resolution, frustration. Et cetera.

I went to prom and requested Mmmbop, then danced my face off to it. That song is longer than I recollected. The DJ played the Macarena and a whole game of limbo; I participated in one of these. (Real friends will know which.) The kids all looked darling and danced wonderfully. I wore my t-shirt with a tuxedo screen print, which had been gratefully sent from Maine just in time to avoid stressing about dressing for the event. It’s my DC9 Night Club New Years uniform: the whole staff wore them every year. I spent prom incongruously sober.

Unrelated to school except that I was feeling emboldened by accomplishment, I ventured onto my almost-neighbor’s porch with a plan to ask yet again that they shut off the lights that shine into my own windows. I realized immediately that no one was home. In broad daylight then I surprised myself by unhesitatingly mounting the railing there to successfully unscrew the offending bulbs.

On my own I walked up to a deer family accidentally in the dark. They didn’t move except to continue eating the newborn grass in the springtime evening.

---

* I work at a charter school for at-risk teens called Southwest Open School, or SWOS. A massive part of our curriculum is outdoor education.

snow melt so loud as to be mistaken for rivers. at least by me, for whom this place is new. again a new place. anew now with a spring that reminds my skin of childhood summers. a landscape so broad even my startling loud laugh is welcome. there is still snow on the ground and I wear short sleeves every afternoon. it’s a windswept leap from winter to heat here on the western slope. complemented by chilly nights of star-full skies.

the ground is stirring beneath long dead, dry leaves. the flickers are hopping about. magpies are cawing as juncos peep. we’ve all got great reason to shout. the air out here is no longer cold despite the remnant snow. every life is warming up as we prepare to grow.

Tedious, cynical, frayed at both ends

Making new babies and losing old friends,

Is often what grownups are made of.

Dispassionate careering, obsession with news,

Forgotten wonder and unsung blues,

No wonder it’s what kids are afraid of.

When standing still, I often squat. I learned it in Taiwan. To give yourself a little rest when the day goes long. Last night I did just that, under moonlight bright and wide. In my squat I smoked my spliff while the fox crept to my side. I didn’t notice it before it joined my periphery. Barely six whole feet away when it broke my reverie. It was creeping out of caution, curious about me. I had one long moment of close study, then my fox was right to flee.

Just because I can help doesn’t mean I should. Even though you’re effortful that doesn’t make you good. I been trying to draw the reins. I’m dying to slow up. I’ve lost too much to thoughtlessness. I’ve lost so much in love. The heat of spring at altitudes is startling, and welcome. New growth is coming fast and fierce. It cares not for our outcomes.

dating someone rich is the fastest way to lose cash. they’ll all deny it but it’s how they stay stacked. they won’t value your earnings or even your time. when you ask for repayment they’ll accuse you of lying. they’ll be sure they deserve this: what’s theirs and what’s yours. run away, kid, avoid it, before you’ve lost every score.

When after so many hours I arrived to my home so much broader than before she’d been in it, I stood still wearing my backpack for I don’t know how long. I sorted my laundry for a frantic minute, then realized my hunger was strong. I foraged for dinner to find our leftovers, which then I combined for a feast. If this is the greatest love of my life, I haven’t lost in the least.

I didn’t know that the margins would become fascist. It tempts my return to the closet. There’s too many trans kids there’s too many guns, and nobody’s got cash to deposit. They use mental illness to excuse shit behavior. Perhaps I’ll get diagnosed too. We’re triggered because reality sucks and sometimes we don’t like the truth. Your neighbor is alone all day and all night, but you don’t know or care. Online we can pick our political fights to feel superior. They want to watch the donald walk: it’s more than schadenfreude. A whisper of justice is all we been craving. Please tell me that we can move forward.