Lately, i don’t sleep at all. All i do is dream. i wake up in the night then doze again, only to dream of life, of beauty and pain. i dream of hopeful love and scary friends and, and, it overlaps again.

When the sun comes up i am back in our beautiful home, where my mother is still sleeping. Relieved to be free of trying to sleep, i will drive to my brother’s house, where they are expecting their first child, so soon. i invite the dog who is crying for me before i even arrive. We go to the beach and run like puppies, off-leash, wild and free. The surf comes and goes, but only the gulls keep us company.

i am learning to throw with my non-dominant hand. Jordan says, “your dork side” because it’s not bad, but it’s not strong. Elizabeth helps me bake bread over the phone. i finally catch up, after weeks of worrying about being overheard, on everybody’s lives. With these friends in mind, i continue improving my quality of car living, paring down, organizing, cleaning. On the phone and at home, i love and am loved; understanding and understood. i am relieved to reconnect with the hearts who most excite mine.

In our home we have achieved the impossible among adult children and their parents; so surreal, like a “drim”. Mama and i have learned this year to take care of ourselves and each other better than ever before. We go on walks. We eat the bread i’ve baked. We make little meals that make sense to our similar appetites. We coo at her geriatric cat who snores so sweetly in her sleep. We discuss the pain of this year, the grief, and the joy. We check in, hold hands.

In each day i will create something, and maybe throw a tennis ball two hundred times. i will stretch, dance, eat, and giggle as much as i can. i will love the shit out of everyone who will listen to me. i will somehow continue to simultaneously lose hope and be bolstered. i will snugz my mom and hug my brother and kiss that dog and be probably too gentle with my sister in law. i will do chores happily, with help from laundry machines and a dishwasher.

And i will tire myself out, i think. But i will go to bed and sleep not long. i will wake after a nap, then dream and dream. And all my world, for all i know, is my creation: a waking life, a waking dream.