It was not easy for me to adjust my pronoun usage. I hope it wasn’t hard on my friends. You appreciate people for who they truly are but you still stumble and it’s awkward then feels weird. This all smooths out more quickly than one might expect, though. And it is vital community care. That much was clear from my first engagement with a person whose pronouns mattered to them: my superficial discomfort was always irrelevant.

It has been clear to me for quite a while that I am nonbinary. For me personally this means I just feel like a human, with no correlation between my anatomy and self. I’m also just not really into anatomy as fundamental knowledge of another person. The things I can see and glean in public are quite enough information when getting to know anyone, truly. Despite this preference for privacy I really clung to “she”, and tried to separate it from its female roots. Gender is absolutely useless to me: not only do I not have one, the whole concept has done me nothing but harm. Often the types of harm you need to talk to a professional about. I don’t begrudge anyone their own choice in the matter—it’s certainly none of my business. Personally though, it is a matter of trauma recovery and future health that I free myself from the trappings of womanhood. Including she/her. I claim the freedom issued me as a human animal, and relieve myself from imprisonment of arbitrary assumptions based on my body. This is no small feat! I am bolstered by the myriad revolutionaries who’ve already worked so hard to solidify our place. It is with deep gratitude and pride that I join with my beloved friends and heroes in rejecting the construct of gender.

It took me a long, almost laughable amount of time to appreciate “they”. I felt pressured into messing with the esteemed English grammar. Somehow the sound of it was discouraging to me as well. I didn’t enjoy hearing about myself this way, no matter how much I reveled in it for other folks. I just didn’t like “they” for me. This all seems very silly in hindsight. But adjustments, no matter how desperately warranted, take time. I still don’t have a decent replacement for “sister” anyway—practical changes take time, too.

I had to settle in, then come out. Now when I hear “they” referring to me, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. A dear friend referred to this recently as “gender euphoria” as in, not dysphoria. In adopting the use of “they” I am freed from a prison of assumption and abuse felt painfully all my life. In these fresh moments when I am named Kiah, without gender, I feel like I’ve been offered a brand new opportunity to be exactly myself. I feel this even including the stereotypes that come with use of the nonbinary pronoun. It’s actually a really nice fit, for the first time. It suits me so much better than any gender ever did. With decades of confusion and discomfort left behind, I find myself stunned at the welcome to be who I truly am. I’m dazzled, and dazed by the brightness of possibility, of freedom. Yes indeed, euphoria.

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Wanna learn more about the reasoning behind terms like “nonbinary”? Please enjoy this conversation with Alok Vaid-Menon, a poet who uses history and science alongside their own experience to investigate gender and conformity more articulately than I ever could. If you’re queer, you will need tissues.